


Writing Advice by Counterexample: The Edit of Argon

by Scedasticity



Category: Eye of Argon - Jim Theis
Genre: Analysis, Nonfiction, why is this infamously bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-19 13:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17002650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scedasticity/pseuds/Scedasticity
Summary: A while back I wondered how much writing advice could be summarized by giving someone a copy of Eye of Argon and saying "don't do this".So... this is my version of that. Why is this infamously terrible, and what can we learn from it?





	1. Introduction and Background

I was first introduced to Eye of Argon with the background that it was voted Worst Science Fiction Story Ever Written at a sci-fi convention four years running even though it was only nominated once.

If you've never heard of an Eye of Argon reading, they consist of getting a group of people together and reading the story aloud. All typos and other errors are to be pronounced as written. You read until you laugh, then pass it to the next person.

* * *

Some additional background can be found at the [FoxAcre Press Eye of Argon page](http://foxacre.com/argon/index.html) -- I have not read the full ebook analysis so I can't technically vouch for its accuracy, but that's only the first place in this document where I'm not doing all the research I could do, so oh well. The free PDF is where I got the text I'm using.

* * *

For the full experience of my ongoing anguish attempting to dissect this mess, see the [blog posts here](https://ceescedasticity.tumblr.com/tagged/dissect+argon/chrono/).

* * *

Everything about writing style is a matter of taste. What words mean, not so much a matter of taste. 

I'm paying particular attention to 'thesaurus mistakes' -- places where it looks like the author decided to use a different word and pulled one out of a thesaurus without considering that it might not mean exactly the same thing. 

 

 


	2. "Chapter 1"

Without further ado, the first paragraph:

`The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers.`

So right away we see some spelling errors or outright typos -- which aren't nearly as much of an issue for modern writers, lucky us, I wouldn't want to have to remember how to spell incandescence -- actually let's just take a moment to appreciate the sheer _drive_ required to self-publish anything in 1970.

Anyway we also see several places where a compound that should have been a single word or hyphenated at most got left as two words. It turns out "racked" is correct (or would be if it had the hyphen) even though I've seen "wracked" much more often, so you're never too old to learn new facets of the language.

A weatherbeaten trail winding ahead is fairly unremarkable, so that's fine. So let's look at

  * "Climes": regions, particularly referring to their climates. Dust-racked climes is pretty reasonable! But we are getting into the territory of words marked _literary_ in the dictionary.
  * "of the barren land": This is where it starts to be a problem for me, even though there's nothing technically wrong with it. Probably because land can also mean a region -- now the region has regions and it's awkward. It makes a bit more sense if you look at it as another environmental descriptor. _Desert_ or _barrens_ would be smoother to me, though I'm not 100% sure why.
  * "which dominates large portions of the Norgolian Empire": Geography trivia! And let's break it down further: 
    * "which dominates large portions": Okay, if it dominated the empire, or made up large portions of the empire, we'd know more or less what that meant -- a lot of the empire is barren land. I'm pretty confident in saying that's what this is trying to indicate, and the construction doesn't rule it out. But this combines two ways of saying that, and not in a way which would intensify them, so it's redundant at best and possibly confusing if you start trying to figure out why it  _would_  be necessary to have both.
    * "of the Norgolian Empire": Now we're climes of land of portions of empire. There's nothing necessarily technically wrong with that? It's just… a little clunky.



If I were rewriting it, I would probably say  **the barrens of the Norgolian Empire** , or  **the dust-racked climes of the Norgolian Empire**  if I were particularly attached to that. This loses the information that the Norgolian Empire is not 100% barrens, but does the reader really need to know that now? Spoiler alert: No. The reader never needs to know that. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure the reader needs to know about the Norgolian Empire at all, so I don't think it would lose anything if you made it  **the dust-racked barrens**.

Moving on to the second sentence,

  * "Age-worn hoof-prints": I'm not sure what this is supposed to convey. Individual hoof-prints aren't usually lasting enough to  _get_  age-worn, unless they were made in wet cement or something. 
  * "smothered": I suspect this came from a thesaurus-replacement for 'covered'. In this case none of the more precise meanings of smothered can apply given the object of the verb, so you have to arrive at the right meaning, but it just sounds weird.
  * "by the sifting sands of time": There's a time and a place for phrases like this, and it's not when you're talking about hoof-prints of indeterminate age.
  * "shone dully against": Possibly just supposed to indicate they can be seen? But it has ended up saying there are magic shining hoof-prints. But dull ones.
  * "the dust-splattered": Splatter means a liquid is involved; you can't splatter with dust.
  * "crust of earth": I think this is just the ground.



I'm not sure how I'd rewrite this because I'm not entirely sure what it's trying to say. Is it saying this is a well-established trail, where you can see evidence of many others passing before over a long time? If so, I might reduce it to an adjective in the previous sentence. Replace weatherbeaten with well-worn.

On to the third sentence! It had the correct "its", both times, so that's one common error dodged.

  * "The tireless sun": Fine, I guess? Tireless doesn’t strike me as the most natural descriptor for the sun, but I don't think it's unreasonable.
  * "cast its parching rays": This is… potentially okay. It’s not technically wrong to have the sun casting its rays. The question is whether this is the description you're looking for, or if it's just... too much.
  * "of incandescence": No. I assume this showed up because of a thesaurus search on 'light'. Not only is it not remotely suited to replace ‘light’ in this context, but you don’t even need to say 'light'! What else is the sun going to be casting rays of?
  * "from overhead": We generally assume the sun is overhead unless specified otherwise. 
  * "halfway through its daily revolution": I don't think we generally refer to the sun having a daily revolution. That's the Earth. –Now, under some circumstances I can see saying the sun is halfway through its course across the sky. I guess once you throw in the word 'revolution' I perceive you to be implicitly picking a model of the solar system? Huh. Anyway, it's noon.



If I were rewriting this, I'd make it  **The parching rays of the noon sun beat down**  – possibly beat down on something, depends on what we do with the rest of the paragraph.

The noon sun is beating down on "Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives."

Like the previous sentence, this one is probably intended to help establish the setting – like a camera sweeping over a background before zooming in on the action. It’s not uncommon for a story to open up like this. Unfortunately this sentence is… it's just distracting. I can see why you'd want to mention it's too fucking sunny, but why are you saying there are rodents around doing their rodent things? Are there unusually many? Rodents everywhere? Are rodents a crucial part of your vision for the setting? Unless there’s something you’re not telling me, this line can go entirely.

But supposing we absolutely must include the rodents:

  * "Small rodents": Instructions for Jim Theis in 1970: Go to the library. Ask the librarian for books on animal life in deserts or other barren land. Consult books. Instructions for modern writer: Search 'what kind of rodents live in the desert'. Instructions for both: Choose a rodent – don't get TOO specific, but more than rodent. It looks like options include… rats, mice, ground squirrels, kangaroo rats, gerbils, jerboa, various species going by 'gopher', maybe prairie dogs. (Check out the [jerboa](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerboa), it's pretty cute.) 
  * …Honestly none of those sounds like a very good match tonewise. The Norgolian Empire just doesn't seem like the right place for a prairie dog colony or a gerbil clan or anything involving the word gopher. Are you sure you don't want lizards?
  * "scampered about": Maybe a little too upbeat and energetic, considering the parching rays and the rest of the sentence. Scampering doesn't go well with dismal. 
  * "occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives": This is pretty much 'doing rodent things', only fancier and more judgmental. It's very uninformative. Looking up what exactly the rodent things they do are would be a bit of a nuisance even now, but fortunately, it doesn't matter, so we can get rid of it, and I'm not going to try to address most of the pieces of it, except for
  * "daily accomplishments": I suspect 'accomplishments' may be another thesaurus word. It sounds very out-of-place here. You could, technically, describe the rodents as accomplishing things? You could describe tasks performed daily as daily accomplishments? It just rings off.



How about  **Under the parching rays of the noon sun, rodents darted for the safety of their burrows.** Presto, rodents doing rodent things, while it is too damn hot and sunny.

The last sentence of the first paragraph really ought to start a new paragraph. "Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdensome cargoes of their struggling overseers." is getting to the actual point, so don't leave it in with the background.

Looking at bits and pieces:

  * "Dust sprayed": Okay, as a verb, spray does not  _necessarily_  have to involve liquid. It still sounds funny here.
  * "heaving": I am told “heaves” is a disease of horses involving labored breathing, and labored breathing sounds like a reasonable thing to convey… Other possible meanings include 'rising and falling rhythmically or spasmodically' (as in heaving bosoms) or 'attempting to vomit'. Okay, I'm pretty sure I got the idea of what this was intended to mean, but I'm also pretty sure that's not what it actually means.
  * Mounts: Why not say horses? Are they not horses? (Spoiler alert: they are horses.) I'm not saying  _never_  use mount if you mean horse. There are places where it makes a lot of sense to. I think maybe it feels more natural to me if 'mount' is used with more of a predefined rider? No, that doesn't make sense. I think I'd tolerate 'mount' here if my weird phrasing buffer hadn't already overloaded. Anyway it's probably a thesaurus word for 'horse'.
  * "while they bore": Clunky. Also, while you can usually swap 'bore' in for 'carried' without changing the meaning, I find it changes the tone a bit? Which doesn't mean never use it, just… be aware of that.
  * "burdensome": A little alliterative so soon after 'bore'. Also I just find it kind of a funny word, personally? Not sure how much that's just me… Ultimately it doesn't matter because this entire clause is kind of a word disaster.
  * "cargoes": Strictly speaking, cargo is goods being transported. It frequently gets used more loosely, but what it kind of implies here is the horses are making all the decisions and doing all the work and the humans are just riding along. --Probably a thesaurus word, although I'm not sure what for. 
  * "struggling": People can struggle to do many different things! Are they struggling to ride? Are they struggling to breathe in all the dust? Spoiler alert: This is struggling as in 'fighting with each other'. It should be a more clear-cut word for fighting. --Probably a thesaurus word for fighting.
  * "overseers": Supervisors, basically. --Probably a thesaurus word, though I'm not sure what for.
  * Now, I can see how you could describe supervisors as cargo to say something about the usefulness of management… but not so much here, unless you are writing from the perspective of the horses.

Ugh. Okay. Overall, what it's trying to do is: 

    * Continue the 'zoom in' from the scenery to the action (dust, then horses, then fighters)
    * Convey that three people on horses are having a fight and it's dusty

All right, maybe  **More dust was kicked up by the three laboring horses, their riders locked in combat.** Hmm, still not sure I like that... 

The next paragraphs actual _content_ starts, and no amount of stylistic nudging can fix it. 

* * *

We now run into DIALOGUE. 

`"Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.`

`“Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death, wretch!” returned Grignr.`

Okay. This is written in a certain genre, a certain idiom, that I don't really care for and am not really familiar with. It's not coming out of nowhere. Some amount of this dialogue style is according to the conventions of the genre, and criticizing it for that would sound to a genre aficionado as silly as criticizing Homestuck fic for distracting second-person POV. I'm not sure how much. I'm not sure which parts. 

In order to really, truly, fairly say how bad this dialogue is by the standards of the genre it was written for, I would have to go read a bunch of Conan the Barbarian, etc., for research.  

After saying flatly that I was not going to do that, I still went and dug up [a public-domain Conan the Barbarian story](https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Beyond_the_Black_River). The overall difference in quality is clear, but you also have lines like " _“Tricked us with its damnable caterwauling!” raved Conan, swinging his great sword about his head in his wrath._ " 

I'm just going to go ahead and dissect it with my standards, which is what I'm reading with anyway. But my standards aren't universal. The author was aiming for something different, and while he didn't hit that, either, it at least explains a lot of his choices. 

Anyway. Moving on. 

Compared to some of what shows up later, the structure and dialogue tagging here isn't bad at all, and there's a relatively low typo/spelling error rate! I'm going to take it in sentences. 

""Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier." 

This is… battle banter? Trash talk? During-fight dialogue? Is there a more general term for this? It's a little  _wordy_  for someone in the middle of a vigorous fight. …Especially for a gasp. “Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell” is a little over the top, but it wouldn't be a bad phrase, I think, in the right place. A common soldier shouting it in the middle of a fight isn't the right place. A better choice might be something like “Go meet your gods in hell!” Or “Ready to die, barbarian?” For the tag, shouted or cried, maybe sneered? 

The second sentence has more issues. "“Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death, wretch!” returned Grignr." 

    * Grignr: There have been worse and less pronounceable names concocted for fantasy stories. We will run into a few later on. But please give the guy another vowel.
    * "kissed the fleeting stead of death": This one is puzzling. 
      * My initial guess was that 'stead' (place or role, almost always intangible) was supposed to be 'steed' (mount, ha ha), even though that doesn't make a lot of sense either.
      * I have never encountered the expression 'kiss the steed of death' anywhere else. I suppose I may not have been reading in the right places? 
      * Not sure what 'fleeting' is supposed to indicate, although it does make sense that Death's steed would be speedy. 
      * Suggested by a reader: Perhaps it _is_ supposed to be 'stead', meaning 'plot of land', so it's the land of Death? I haven't run into the expression 'kissing the underworld' anywhere else, either.
      * And 'fleeting' makes less sense applied to the underworld.
      * Another suggestion: Maybe it's 'kissed' as in 'briefly touched', and 'stead of death' means 'role of death' means 'experience of dying', so overall it's 'you have briefly experienced what it is to die'.
      * This doesn't seem terribly likely either.
      * In any case, it's an… interesting turn of phrase. Distractingly interesting.
    * Grignr seems more of a “You first!” type anyway.
    * 'Wretch' is kind of an odd thing to call someone, outside the flowery prose we just got done cutting, but I really appreciate it compared to some of the  _upcoming_  things people call each other, so I'll let it stand.

I'm not going to pick one way to go with this, because what I would consider more natural dialogue also rips out the Conan-the-Barbarian flavor and just leaves it really dull. Whatever.




* * *

Oh (stygian haunts of) hell now there's ACTION. 

`A sweeping blade of flashing steel riveted from the massive barbarians hide enameled shield as his rippling right arm thrust forth, sending a steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers vital organs. The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid.`

In the first sentence, we're missing a couple apostrophes and hyphens, but otherwise spelling/typos are clear I think. Kind of a shame as it might have distracted from the word choice. I _think_ what it is trying to say happens is Grignr fends off a blow with his shield and then stabs a guy. I think. If that's not what happened, then… I don't know, there's something involving a sword and Grignr's shield, and then Grignr stabs a guy. 

On to picking at the word choices: 

  * "A sweeping blade": You can say a blade swept, but you usually need to describe where it is sweeping, not just leave it as a floating adjective. Was it trying to sweep towards Grignr when it was interrupted?
  * "of flashing steel": You can say steel flashes, if you're trying to draw attention to quick movement of… whatever the steel thing is. If my tolerance buffer hadn't overloaded I don't think I'd complain about flashing steel; since it HAS, I'm here asking if it's a light-up sword.
  * "riveted from": No. 'Rivet' the verb has a couple meanings that might, maybe, apply here if you stretched, but none of them work with 'from'. It may have been intended to be 'ricocheted', which is questionable when no projectiles are involved, or maybe 'rebounded' which is fine.
  * "the massive barbarian's": I. Guess Grignr hasn't really been described yet? It might not be out of line to mention his size? Just… not like this maybe?
  * "hide-enameled shield": No. You cannot enamel something with hide. This may be a thesaurus error, covered becoming coated becoming enameled? Otherwise idk where it came from. Regardless, I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a leather shield or a leather-covered shield. I'm also not sure if Grignr is actually carrying it later…
  * "as his rippling right arm thrust forth": Please don't.
  * "sending a steel-shod blade": When you describe the blade as steel-shod, you are saying the blade has a steel cover on the end to protect it. This would really get in the way of the stabbing. It's just a steel blade, and since everyone seems to have steel you don't even need to mention what it's made of.
  * "to the hilt": This supplies information about how he stabbed the guy. And, in fact, I am now going to complain about the 'blade' part of 'steel-shod blade' when I didn't before, because it's suddenly become relevant whether we are talking a sword or a dagger. If it's a sword, stabbing to the hilt is maybe kinda overkill and also inconvenient. If it's a dagger, it makes more sense. 
  * "into the soldier's vital organs": I might let this slide if I weren't being nitpicky, but since I am – oh really? Which organs, exactly? There a reason you're not naming them? Just say stabbed in the chest or the side or the back.



Okay, maybe…  **Grignr blocked a sweeping sword stroke with his shield, then took advantage of his superior reach to strike home.**  See, we even implied he's large.

The second sentence is at least less confusing. The guy who's been stabbed is severely injured and falls off his horse. 

  * "The disemboweled": Oh I guess that's which vital organs. I'm not sure a straight stab would do that... I'm also not sure it _wouldn't_ , I'm not exactly an expert.
  * ...Are we sure we want him disemboweled? Positive? Can we just have him dead? Is this a subgenre thing?
  * "mercenary": While mercenaries are soldiers, and these soldiers could reasonably be mercenaries, providing this information is unnecessary and raises questions which are never answered. Leave it as soldier.
  * "crumpled from his saddle": Not going to complain about this.
  * "and sank": 'Sank' is in my opinion appropriate when it's not an instant kill – there's some amount of control to the drop. This guy was on a horse. He doesn't sink; he falls.
  * "to the clouded sward": No. Presumably 'sward' is another thesaurus find for 'ground', but sward implies grass or at minimum topsoil -- desert is right out. 'Clouded' may be reminding us of all the dust clouds?
  * "sprinkling": On the plus side, finally we are using a usually-for-liquids word with an actual liquid. On the minus side, with a disembowelment I think we would be looking at less of a sprinkle and more of a gush.
  * "the parched dust": No complaints.
  * "with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid": Very poetic, but just say blood. Possibly I should start a count on the word 'crimson' and the expression 'life fluid', because we will be seeing them again.



Maybe…  **Blood flew as the corpse fell from its saddle to the dusty earth.**

Now that I've said all that, I'm going to go back to that Conan the Barbarian story again: _In that instant of horror and panic Balthus started up — and then a muscular arm out of the darkness locked fiercely about his throat, strangling his yell. The canoe rocked wildly. Balthus' knife was in his hand, though he did not remember jerking it out of his boot, and he stabbed fiercely and blindly. He felt the blade sink deep, and a fiendish yell rang in his ear, a yell that was horribly answered. The darkness seemed to come to life about him. A bestial clamor rose on all sides, and other arms grappled him._

This is what Jim Theis was aiming for. It tends not to go over so well when you aren't writing pulp fiction in the 1930s, but it didn't come out of nowhere. Is it bad writing? It's not to my taste, but a lot of people seem to like it, so… 

* * *

Two more short paragraphs before we get to a LONG paragraph: 

`The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery red hair tossing robustly in the humid air currents as he faced the attack of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms.`

`“Damn you,barbarian” Shrieked the soldier as he observed his comrade in death.`

“He was three days away from retirement!” 

…Anyway. Grignr goes to fight the other guy, who is upset he killed the first guy. And there are some descriptions of Grignr. I could really do without these descriptions of Grignr. 

First sentence: 

  * "enthused barbarian": Please don't. …Technically speaking this just means enthusiastic, but at least for me it has… connotations. I can't find any references to it, though… Possible connotations aside, I find it really distasteful that Grignr is enthusiastic about killing people, but it's perfectly in character.
  * "swiveled about": 'Swiveled' is acceptable here, since it's often used in a not-quite-precise sense, but I think 'spun' or 'twisted' would be better. Probably 'twisted', since he's ON A HORSE.
  * …Now I'm envisioning a Swivel Saddle. Wow that's a bad idea. 
  * "shock of fiery red hair": I had to look up 'shock' to make sure this was the right spelling for the 'shock of hair' usage, and discovered that according to the dictionary on my computer anyway it comes from a breed of lapdog and in the 17th century denoted a dog with long shaggy hair. That's not actually relevant or a problem but I thought it was funny.
  * "tossing robustly": 'Robust' has a lot of potential meanings… 
    * Strong and healthy; vigorous (vigorous is probably what was intended, but since it doesn't completely make sense let's go ahead and look at the others…)
    * Sturdy in construction
    * able to withstand or overcome adverse conditions
    * uncompromising and forceful
    * strong and rich in flavor or smell
    * Let's just toss 'robustly'.
  * "in the humid": If we are in a desert, the air is not humid, and this is probably a thesaurus word from 'hot'. (There are some unwelcoming climates that can be dusty and humid, but I think this was a mistake.)
  * "air currents": Not wrong necessarily, but wind or breeze would sound better. (Wind if it's moving his “robust” hair, but then again that's probably from the swiveling.)
  * "as he faced the attack of": Not necessarily wrong, but potentially clunky.
  * "the defeated soldier's fellow in arms": Potentially relevant as the guy is about to get upset over the other guy being dead?



Maybe…  **Grinning ferociously, red hair flying, the barbarian twisted to meet the attack of the dead man's comrade.**

Next sentence: 

  * “Damn you, barbarian!”: Fine. Best line of dialogue so far, imo.
  * "shrieked the soldier": It's possible the soldier is intended to be notably high-pitched, in which case this is an excellent word choice, but probably 'screamed', 'shouted', or 'cried' would be better. Or 'cursed', actually.
  * "as he observed his comrade": 'Observed' is probably a thesaurus word from 'saw'. Implies a lot more careful consideration than is likely involved.
  * "in death": Kind of a weird construction.



How about **"Damn you, barbarian!' the second soldier snarled vengefully. ~~"He was three days away from retirement!" just kidding~~**

I'm still not completely happy with that... but then I'm not completely happy with any of this.

* * *

The next paragraph has six sentences, and let me tell you getting through it was an ORDEAL. 

`A gleaming scimitar smote a heavy blow against the renegade's spiked helmet, bringing a heavy cloud over the Ecordian's misting brain. Shaking off the effects of the pounding blow to his head, Grignr brought down his scarlet streaked edge against the soldier's crudely forged hauberk, clanging harmlessly to the left side of his opponent. The soldier's stead whinnied as he directed the horse back from the driving blade of the barbarian. Grignr leashed his mount forward as the hoarsely piercing battle cry of his wilderness bred race resounded from his grinding lungs. A twirling blade bounced harmlessly from the mighty thief's buckler as his rolling right arm cleft upward, sending a foot of blinding steel ripping through the Simarian's exposed gullet. A gasping gurgle from the soldier's writhing mouth as he tumbled to the golden sand at his feet, and wormed agonizingly in his death bed.`

Okay. Overall, Soldier #2 whacks Grignr in the helmet with his sword -- which I wouldn't think is a very good move, but that's beside the point -- and Grignr gets dizzy. Grignr whacks Soldier #2 in the armor with his sword (on the left side… although it doesn't specify whether it's Grignr's left or the soldier's left). Soldier #2 remembers he's on a horse and backs up. Grignr follows and executes a battle cry. Grignr blocks a (twirling) strike with his shield and stabs Soldier #2 in the throat. Soldier #2 falls and dies. 

SENTENCE ONE! 

  * "A gleaming": Nothing wrong with this necessarily, but it does imply stuff about the general quality and upkeep of the soldiers' gear.
  * "scimitar": Again, not necessarily a problem, but this is a specific kind of sword.
  * "smote a heavy blow against": I… Look. I'm not going to say never use the verb smite, and it is 100% in keeping with the style this story was aimed at. Just… be careful with it. Some words if they work, they're great, but if they don't work, they don't work in an attention-grabbing manner. Anyway smiting is already defined to be a heavy blow, so that's redundant. --Also this is subjective, but I feel like the subject of smite ought to be the wielder, not the weapon. I'd probably go with smash or crash.
  * "the renegade's": As far as epithets for Grignr we're going to run into, this is pretty tame, but it's not as immediately understandable as 'barbarian' -- renegade from what? the reader has to decide. I don't think it's providing any new information, so… just make it Grignr.
  * "spiked helmet": …A subgenre staple. …Although now that I think about it I'm not sure what exactly is meant by spiked helmet. Does it have horns? A pointy bit on top like WWI German helmets? Spikes everywhere?
  * "bringing a heavy cloud over": It doesn't matter at this point, but that's the word 'heavy' twice pretty close together. This is… It's not how I'd describe a blow to the head, but the descriptions I would use are a lot more standard-issue – saw stars, or head spun – and for all I know Jim Theis played high school football and this is his best description of getting hit in the head.
  * "the Ecordian's": …Yeah. Think about how your made-up names and places and cultures would sound, and maybe generally try to avoid any that are homophones for musical instruments.
  * "misting brain": The 'mist' is a bit redundant, given the heavy cloud stuff.



Maybe…  **A blow to his helmet left Grignr's head spinning.**  Or,  **A sword smashed into Grignr's helmet and his vision went dark.**

SENTENCE TWO! 

  * "Shaking off the effects of the pounding blow to his head": This would be mostly fine if we'd been discussing anything else since mentioning the blow to the head, but since we haven't, just 'shaking it off' is fine. 
  * "Grignr brought down": Fine, but I might go with a more violent verb for this.
  * "his scarlet-streaked edge": His what now. Okay, obviously his sword, and there isn't any obvious way to misinterpret this, but just say sword, and just say bloody. And I'm surprised he didn't say crimson, but let's add a scarlet count, too. 
  * "against the soldier's crudely forged hauberk": Remember the gleaming scimitar? Why is there a discrepancy between weapon and armor showiness? (If you have a good reason for the discrepancy based on worldbuilding you don't have time to explain… that's a tough one. Leave it in, but be aware people may think you're just being sloppy?)
  * ...Also this makes it sound like he was aiming for the armor.
  * "clanging harmlessly to the left side of his opponent": These words are fine, but now I'm trying to envision exactly what happened and I'm getting confused.



Maybe,  **Trying to shake off the dizziness, he struck back, only for his bloody sword to glance off the soldier's armor.**

SENTENCE THREE! 

  * "The soldier's stead": Oh, maybe this is why I assumed the earlier "stead" was supposed to be "steed" -- it was here. I'm not actually sure why the bit about the horse is in here. Possibly the writer only just remembered they were on horses and wanted to remind everyone else, too. Anyway, no reason not to use 'horse' here.
  * "whinnied": I'm guessing the writer was just going for 'made a horse noise', but as it turns out not all horse noises make sense in all circumstances! The dictionary describes a whinny as a 'gentle, high-pitched neigh', while the google hit on when horses whinny says it's the same as a neigh but primarily used to communicate with other horses who might be out of sight. Either way, probably not what the horse would say in these circumstances. If you must include a horse noise, maybe 'snorted'.
  * "as he directed the horse back": This isn't wrong, just… it sounds very dry, considering? A lot more detached than it should be.
  * "from the driving blade": 'Driving' has a lot of potential meanings, and some of them make sense applied to 'blade'. It may mean that the soldier is being driven by the blade. Although I'm not entirely sure why, since Grignr's aimed for his armor so far.
  * "of the barbarian": I'm allowing this epithet in general, but I don't think it's needed here.



Okay, the soldier is trying to fall back, but the last thing that happened was Grignr flubbing a blow, and before that the soldier was really upset about his buddy dying so he was plenty motivated. The soldier can't be falling back for more distance to fight, because we've already established Grignr has a longer reach – the soldier would be better served staying close. It might make more sense for the soldier's horse to come up because it startles, backs away unexpectedly, and the soldier is surprised and off-balance and Grignr's able to stab him. 

I'm here to do a style-and-thesaurus-abuse edit, not fix the damn fight scenes. I don't even do fight scenes if I can avoid them. 

UGH. **The soldier fell back, horse snorting.**

SENTENCE FOUR! It's really… something. 

  * "Grignr leashed his mount forward": 'Leash' doesn't make sense in this construction. 
    * It might be inspired by 'rein' as a verb to direct a horse? That's my best guess, at least. 
    * 'Reined his mount forward' would be less nonsensical, except that with a sword in one hand and (as we will see shortly) shield in the other, how's he handling the reins?
    * A reader suggested maybe it's supposed to be 'lashed', which would be better than reined for going _forward_... but we still have the both-hands-occupied problem.
    * Just say he pursued.
  * "as the hoarsely piercing battle cry": …That's probably hell on your throat. 'Hoarse but piercing' might be better, if those are definitely the adjectives desired.
  * "of his wilderness bred race": We have established that he's a barbarian… I suppose you might do this if you want to specify that it's a definitely Ecordian battle cry? (polka!)
  * "resounded from": The battle cry, rather than Grignr, is the subject of this half of the sentence. It isn't technically passive voice, but it is… something related to passive voice? Eh, whatever. I can see why you might make it the subject of the sentence if you are very pleased with your description of it, but since I am not pleased with the description and don't have a good replacement for it, it can be an object. Perhaps of 'screaming'.
  * "his grinding lungs": I'm… not sure what this is supposed to indicate exactly. It sounds very uncomfortable and unhealthy. I guess there _is_ a lot of dust around...



**Grignr pursued, screaming a battle cry.**

I will note this has lost more than a little detail and is not nearly as colorful as the original, a sign of my getting rather tired at this stage.

SENTENCE FIVE! 

  * "A twirling blade": It's not impossible for a blade to be twirling, but it is kind of odd.
  * "bounced harmlessly from": Fine.
  * "the mighty thief's": Setting aside 'mighty', now we find Grignr is a thief! We did not know what. Honestly I see him as more of a robber? Technically, robbery involves violence or the threat of it; while theft is more general, 'thief' tends to tilt towards stealth rather than violence. It's possible this really is supposed to indicate Grignr is a sneak-thief as well as a barbarian raider type, I'm guessing it's a mistake.
  * "buckler": Small round shield. Fine. Out of curiosity, how many people already knew that?
  * "as his rolling right arm": This is possibly even worse than the 'rippling right arm' we got several paragraphs ago, as that time we could at least figure out what it meant. Anyway, too much arm description.
  * "cleft upward": This sounds wrong to me, but I'm not 100% sure it is. Part of it is that I don't immediately scan 'cleft' as past tense of 'cleave', even though it's a perfectly legitimate form. You can cleave through… can you cleave upward? Maybe it would sound better with a more explicit object. Except… what is being cloven is the gullet, so… yeah, this verb isn't working.
  * "sending a foot of blinding steel": So, is the weapon a foot long, or is only a foot of it going in? I mean, he was doing 'to the hilt' earlier. (Alternatively, is there a steel foot in play?) As with flashing, you can use blinding to talk about steel, but usually more… directly associated with its movement?
  * "ripping through": Through like across, or through like into? …There are some actions where you can get away with minimally describing them, but past a certain point you've said enough to be confusing and you have to explain them the rest of the way.
  * "the Simarian's": The soldier is apparently a Simarian. Do we care?
  * "exposed gullet": Technically speaking this is the esophagus, and if it was exposed the soldier was already experiencing some problems, but it's pretty standard to just use it for throat so we'll let it pass.



**He blocked another attack, and stabbed the soldier in his vulnerable throat.**

SENTENCE SIX! In case you've lost track of it, "A gasping gurgle from the soldier's writhing mouth as he tumbled to the golden sand at his feet, and wormed agonizingly in his death bed." Ooookay then. 

  * "A gasping gurgle": This is not a usual combination, and as one written commentary on the story says, “gasping while gurgling's hard to do!” However, I think it might be substantially easier with an open throat injury. It still sounds strange as it is… maybe structure as 'his last gasp gurgled'?
  * "from the soldier's": We don't actually have a verb in here. It was probably supposed to be 'came from', or considering the story, 'emitted from' or something.
  * "writhing mouth": …I assume he was going for the more figurative use of 'writhe', 'respond with great emotional or physical discomfort to'. You can actually envision a mouth 'making continual twisting, squirming movements', but it's not a natural thing to do.
  * "as he tumbled": Yup, that's right, they're on horses, good remembering.
  * "to the golden sand": I don't think this outright contradicts any earlier descriptions, apart from the already discarded sward etc. But the desert I was picturing wasn't quite as… photogenic. We were going for desolate, not pretty. (I mean in reality it can be both. But. How are you SELLING it.)
  * "at his feet": No, at his horse's feet, we just talked about this.
  * "and wormed": Here's where we want 'writhed'. ('Worm' CAN be a verb, and it possibly makes sense – 'move with difficulty by crawling or wriggling' – but writhed makes a lot more sense.)
  * "agonizingly": Agonizingly means inflicting agony, which I suppose could be intended if we're focusing on moving making it worse. However, I suspect it's just supposed to mean 'in agony'.
  * "in his death bed": This does get used figuratively. Not everything called a deathbed confession was delivered in an actual bed, etc. However, the figurative usage is usually somewhat more removed from the actual death, so here it just seems silly.



Hey, how come the disemboweled soldier died instantly and the one with the slashed throat lived long enough to gurgle and writhe? That seems backwards. Well, I'm still not here to improve the fight scenes. 

**The soldier's mouth contorted in a scream that emerged only as a gurgle as he fell to the sand, convulsing as he died.**

* * *

At this point I decided rewrites were at the point of degenerating into **See Grignr stab** and decided to zoom out for a while. I'm just going to take the paragraph and point out some issues of particular interest. 

`Grignr's emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier struggling before his chestnut swirled mount. His scowling voice reverberated over the dying form in a tone of mocking mirth. “You city bred dogs should learn not to antagonize your better.” Reining his weary mount ahead, grignr resumed his journey to the Noregolian city of Gorzam, hoping to discover wine, women, and adventure to boil the wild blood coarsing through his savage veins.`

  * "orbs": Standing in where people want to talk about eyes since I can't begin to guess when.
  * "lustfully": I'm not sure what was supposed to be here. 95% sure Grignr isn't meant to be lusting after the dying guy.
  * "wallowing": Possibly a thesaurus word from 'rolling'? At any rate it really doesn't work here. …Unless it's trying to say there's enough blood it's created a muddy spot, but I think that's reading too much into it.
  * "chestnut swirled mount": This is just… a really weird way to describe a horse.
  * "scowling": Voices don't actually scowl.
  * "reverberated": Probably a thesaurus word for echoed, which would sound less weird but which would still be a little out of place in an environment where there isn't anything to echo from.
  * "mocking mirth": I don't think both of these are needed. Also, Grignr's an asshole.
  * "Noregolian": Wasn't this Norgolian last time?
  * "Coarsing": Coursing. Although this whole sentence is more than a little over the top anyway.



Okay, I said edit, do SOMETHING with this-- **Grignr sneered at the dying soldier. “You city-bred dogs should know better than to pick fights with your betters.” With that he turned away. It was a long ride to Gorzam.**

* * *

From an editing perspective I think this entire next paragraph could just go. It's nothing but unnecessary background – it gives some insight into Grignr's character, but nothing we haven't already picked up or will pick up shortly. So I'm just going to nitpick the word choices. 

`The trek to Gorzom was forced upon Grignr when the soldiers of Crin were leashed upon him by a faithless concubine he had wooed. His scandalous activities throughout the Simarian city had unleashed throngs of havoc and uproar among it's refined patricians, leading them to tack a heavy reward over his head. He had barely managed to escape through the back entrance of the inn he had been guzzling in, as a squad of soldiers tounced upon him. After spilling a spout of blood from the leader of the mercenaries as he dismembered one of the officer's arms, he retreated to his mount to make his way towards Gorzom, rumoured to contain hoards of plunder, and many young wenches for any man who has the backbone to wrest them away.`

  * Ugh.
  * "Gorzom": Didn't it used to be GorZAM?
  * "leashed": This is the second weird usage of 'leashed' – in this case it would make sense for it to be UNleashed, so I don't know whether it's the same mistake or like… mistake convergent evolution.
  * "faithless concubine": Two possibilities (at least) here: 1. He's using 'concubine' as a synonym for sex worker/random hookup, and 'faithless' is just because she narc'ed on him. Boo hoo. 2. He's using 'concubine' in a more correct/strict sense, and 'faithless' refers to her cheating on her husband(?) with Grignr. I'm inclined to guess 1, because otherwise her setting the soldiers on him is kind of a non sequitur, but in the interests of fairness, it might be 2.
  * "wooed": This… is not a word I would apply to Grignr.
  * "scandalous": I probably wouldn't apply this word to Grignr either – a barbarian rampaging around the city making trouble is an outrage, but I don't know about a scandal. That's a pretty fine shade of meaning, though.
  * "unleashed throngs of havoc and uproar": The longer I look at this phrase the sillier it seems. 'Throng' means 'crowd', pretty much. It… I don't think it's a very good word to indicate a lot of something abstract. Unless this was supposed to say it unleashed throng which were uproarious?
  * "it's": Wrong one.
  * "patricians": Being used as a (thesaurus-sourced) synonym for nobles, I expect? And you can do that, that's a legit definition. But especially in a fantasy setting… 'patrician' is Ancient Rome-flavored. You can use it to imply stuff about your setting. Use it if you've decided that's the word they use in your setting, and if so stick to it -- otherwise don't.
  * "tack a heavy reward over his head": Usually you say the reward is ON someone's head, not OVER their head. Also I'm not sure how much sense 'heavy' makes here.
  * "guzzling": This says a lot about Grignr but I don't know if the author meant to say it.
  * "tounced": Typo, but even 'pounced' might be a little on the weird side for a squad of soldiers.
  * "spilling a spout of blood": Congrats on actually saying blood. Beyond that, kinda alliterative. And kind of beside the point when you get to the injury involved, up shortly.
  * "mercenaries": Once again, these soldiers MIGHT be mercenaries, but not all soldiers are mercenaries, and it's potentially distracting. (Anyway I would guess a city with refined patricians would have soldiers who aren't mercenaries.)
  * "dismembered one of the officer's arms": 'Dismember' means to cut the arms and/or legs off something. If you cut the guy's arm off, you have (partially) dismembered the guy, not the arm. 
  * There shouldn't be a comma after 'plunder'.
  * Yes, plunder and young wenches, same category. Stay classy, Eye of Argon.
  * Although that IS, to be fair, completely in line with the subgenre.



And with that, we have finished Chapter One! 

* * *

**Crimson count:** 1  
**Scarlet count:** 1  
**Orb count:** 1  
**Life fluid count:** 1  
**Thesaurus mistake estimate:** 14


	3. "Chapter 2": The 'tavern' scene

And on to Chapter 2.

First, a word of warning. This subgenre has a hell of a lot of sexist baggage, and _it shows_. 

`Arriving after dusk in Gorzom,grignr descended down a dismal alley, reining his horse before a beaten tavern. The redhaired giant strode into the dimly lit hostelry reeking of foul odors, and cheap wine. The air was heavy with chocking fumes spewing from smolderingtorches encased within theden’s earthen packed walls. Tables were clustered with groups of drunken thieves, and cutthroats, tossing dice, or making love to willing prostitutes.`

Visit scenic Gorzom! 

  * The use of commas this paragraph is not good. 
  * I don't think 'descended' really works here. Just use 'turned'. 
  * 'Reined'... sort of works? It would work better if it specified what he was reining it to do, but it just seems to mean he stopped. Which is in accordance with 'reined in' usage, I guess? 
  * Also, he seems to just abandon the horse outside the tavern, without making any effort to (a) take care of it, (b) keep someone else from taking it, or (c) make sure he can find it again. 
  * "beaten": I think this is just supposed to mean run-down? Beaten doesn't really work. 
  * The next sentence is fun because it's trying to say the tavern is 'reeking of foul odors', but it's actually saying Grignr is! Maybe say he strode into the building, 'which reeked of…'. 
  * "The red-haired giant": Stop. 
  * "hostelry": This means specifically a place offering somewhere to sleep, not just food. Probably not what was meant; probably a thesaurus word for 'inn' (which also offers somewhere to sleep) or 'tavern'. 
  * Generally speaking, when something is reeking, the odor may be presumed to be foul. Possible revision: 'reeking of cheap wine and other, fouler odors'. That still leaves us wondering what those odors ARE, but whatever. Or, just reduce the whole thing to a 'foul-smelling'. 
  * "Chocking": This IS a word, and would apply if the fumes were dense enough to physically obstruct passage. Since this seems unlikely, it's probably supposed to be 'choking'. 
  * "spewing": You know if the fumes _were_ thick enough to physically obstruct passage it might be appropriate to describe them as spewing? But as it is, no, not necessary. 
  * "encased": If the torches were encased within the walls, they wouldn't be very useful. Possibly it's supposed to indicate they're in recesses?  
  * ...I don't know how likely it is or isn't for a tavern to be lit by torches on the walls. This is the kind of thing where you end up doing waaaaay too much research for a single line almost no one will care about, and since Jim Theis was doing it without the internet, I'll let him off the hook. Fine, torches. 
  * "earthen packed walls": Not sure what this is supposed to mean. Is the building made of mud-brick? Dug into the ground? Made of something covered in dirt? Following up on this question could lead one into asking about the predominant building materials in Gorzom, which is a rabbit hole we really don't want to jump down. 
  * "Tables were clustered with": You can say clusters of people were at tables, or tables were clustered with each other, but using clustered to say occupied or populated isn't strictly correct. It does get the meaning across? 
  * Although I'm NOT clear on whether the place is supposed to be crowded or not, which is something I would really like to know to edit. 
  * Commas are particularly messy this sentence. If you want you can parse it so some thieves and cutthroats are tossing dice to the prostitutes. 
  * You know I'm not sure whether people are supposed to be having sex right out in the dining room of this tavern or if Jim Theis doesn't know exactly what making love means. 
  * Also I'm not sure he knows what 'prostitute' means, because there doesn't seem to be any money changing hands in future paragraphs. 
  * …For that matter Grignr never actually purchases anything to drink.  
  * Hmmm. 



**Grignr arrived in Gorzom after dusk, and tied up his horse in a dismal alley outside a run-down tavern. He strode inside, pausing to adjust to both the dimness and the reek of cheap wine, low-burning torches, and other, fouler odors. The tavern wasn't overfull, but there were clusters of thieves and cutthroats tossing dice or**

  * How can I possibly rewrite this to make sense. 
  * I'd just cut it, but – unfortunately – it's relevant to the plot.  
  * Ugh. 



* * *

I'm not sure there's any way I could get this next paragraph to work for me. 

`Eyeing a slender female crouched alone at a nearby bench, Grignr advanced wishing to wholesomely occupy his time. The flickering torches cast weird shafts of luminescence dancing over the half naked harlot of his choice, her stringy orchid twines of hair swaying gracefully over the lithe opaque nose, as she raised a half drained mug to her pale red lips.`

Ugh. 

  * THIS is the kind of thing people are talking about when they complain about use of 'female' as a noun. 
  * "crouched": I suppose this scans if she's crouching on the floor next to the bench, but that just makes the scene worse. Hopefully it's a thesaurus word for sitting. 
  * "wholesomely": Interesting question – is this a sarcastic descriptor from an undefined narrator, or does Grignr sincerely consider this wholesome? I'm guessing undefined narrator. I can't say for sure, but POV seems to be omniscient-third person, so. As a snarky description I don't really have a problem with it? But it does potentially throw you out of the narrative, wondering who thought that. 
  * "weird shafts of luminescence": Good work spelling luminescence correctly! Although maybe I shouldn't be surprised as it's probably straight from the thesaurus. Luminescence is not a straight synonym for light. Strictly speaking it refers to the emission of light rather than the light itself, and it is technically light from a substance that has not been heated… so, completely wrong here. 
  * Just go with 'the flickering torches cast strange shadows'. It's not original, but it gets the idea across.  
  * The way this sentence is structured, the chunk of description in the middle could be attached to either the woman or the torches, and I think grammatically speaking the torches are more likely. Fortunately the torches are plural and not gendered so “her” settles the question, but it's awkward and something to keep an eye out for elsewhere. 
  * "stringy": This isn't usually a positive word when applied to hair. Maybe it's not meant to be? 
  * "orchid": As a color orchid is purple. Hair looking like orchids in some other way would be even weirder, so I have to conclude it means the color. Maybe the writer didn't know what color orchid meant – I had to look it up to be sure – but I don't THINK you'd get to it via thesaurus from a more hair-standard color… Maybe her hair is really _supposed_ to be purple? 
  * Apparently it's supposed to be in her face, if it's covering her nose. 
  * Speaking of which: 'lithe' implies too much movement to be a good adjective for a nose. 
  * "opaque": I think this was maybe meant to be a different word completely? Because while I fully believe the nose is opaque, I don't see any reason to mention that. 
  * "pale red": I'm not going to argue about this, actually, because even though it pretty much does mean 'pink', I think they do different things to the… tone, I guess.  



I'm not even going to try to redo that. Onwards and, uh, probably downwards. 

`Glancing upward, the alluring complexion noted the stalwart giant as he rapidly approached. A faint glimmer sparked from the pair of deep blue ovals of the amorous female as she motioned toward Grignr, enticing him to join her. The barbarian seated himself upon a stool at the wenches side, exposing his body, na ed save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword, an iron spiraled battle helmet, and a thick leather sandals, to her unobstructed view.`

Ugh. "Ugh" seems to be becoming a theme. 

  * "complexion": You can maybe get away with referring to someone as their face. Maybe. Complexion, no. Possibly a thesaurus word, although not a straightforward one… 
  * "stalwart giant": The primary meaning of 'stalwart' is 'loyal, reliable, and hardworking', which… no. And please stop saying giant. 
  * "ovals": Eyes. …Presumably. 
  * Okay, at this point I have to stop and ask again – what sort of establishment is this supposed to be, exactly? Because it appears to be functioning as a sort of… instant hookup spot. Some of the descriptions have suggested it's a brothel, but again, no money changes hands (or is even referred to), and the woman is described as 'amorous' rather than on the job, so… This crappy tavern makes no sense, shocking. 
  * "enticing": If he's already heading in that direction, I'm not sure enticing is the right word. Inviting, maybe. 
  * "wenches": Plural where there should be a possessive. 
  * "naked save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword": As a commentary said, “That is one belligerent loincloth!” He's inside trying to hook up, there should be no sword-brandishing, and the loincloth is highly unlikely to be brandishing anything. 
  * “iron spiraled battle helmet”: Not sure what to make of this or how it fits in with the horns mentioned earlier. 



Let's reduce this whole thing to  **The woman ran her eyes over Grignr's body – naked save for sandals, helmet, and loincloth – and beckoned him to a seat at her side.** Since APPARENTLY this is just a hookup joint for people who don't care about privacy.

* * *

We now encounter more DIALOGUE. This section is… well, you can't really call it explicit, but they may or may not start having sex here, depending on what the author thinks 'making love' means… 

`“ Thou hast need to occupy your time, barbarian”,questioned the female? `

`“Only if something worth offering is within my reach.” Stated Grignr,as his hands crept to embrace the tempting female, who welcomed them with open willingness.`

`“From where do you come barbarian, and by what are you called?” Gasped the complying wench, as Grignr smothered her lips with the blazing touch of his flaming mouth.`

  * Okay you shouldn't be using "thou" at all, but definitely don't MIX it. 
  * There's a whole avalanche of dialogue punctuation mistakes here. Didn't he do some of these correctly earlier? It should be: 
    * “…barbarian?” questioned… 
    * “…reach,” stated… 
    * “…called?” gasped… (except for how THAT'S RIDICULOUS, but that's how to punctuate it)
  * Anyway, stop saying 'female'. Just stop. 
  * "tempting"? What, like a dessert? Ugh. 
  * …It's, uh… okay, I guess one thing this scene has going for it is that there is unambiguous consent. 
  * And then it lapses into… I don't know, it's trying to get some exposition in? Except if you read on it doesn't DELIVER any exposition, so I guess this is just her idea of dirty talk? 
  * …Impressive she can get all that out considering the kissing. 
  * Look I'm not an expert but that is not an appealing description of kissing. 
  * I am here to fix the possibly-sex-scenes EVEN LESS than I am here to fix the fight scenes. 
  * Actually you know what let's just get to the rest of the possibly-a-sex-scene so I can refuse to fix it all at once. 



`The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female, pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest. Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzedhide of Grignr corded shoulder blades, as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts.`

`“You make love well wench,"Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of p potent wine his charge had been quaffing.`

  * … 
  * … 
  * … 
  * Okay FIRST of all 
  * "The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female": Sounds like a nature documentary. An inelegant one, since it's got 'queries' right next to 'inquisitive'. (I suspect a thesaurus was involved in the inclusion of 'engrossed', 'queries', and 'inquisitive', but none of them are wrong as far as meaning goes, so I wouldn't count them as mistakes.) 
  * "sagging nipples": …That's not very sexy and I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean. 
  * "yearning chest": ??? ????? ?? ????? 
  * "harshly bronzed hide": Uh… interesting new info on Grignr's appearance… 
    * Actually bronze as a verb does mean tan, not just cover with bronze. 
    * And 'hide' could be used to emphasize his toughness. 
    * So maybe this one's okay, it just… sounds weird.
  * Don't say shoulder blades when you mean SHOULDERS. 
  * "calloused": Should be callused. Common mistake, though. 
  * "firm protruding busts": Stop. 
  * "charge": She is not his charge. Where did you even come up with that. 
  * "quaffing": Sounds weird. 
  * "potent": Invites jokes when used in this particular place in the text. 
  * "admitted": What, is he reluctant? 
  * Sure, just steal her drink instead of paying for your own. I guess he IS a ~mighty thief~. 



Okay this pretty much wraps up the possibly-a-sex-scene. Thankfully.

* * *

Up next, a short paragraph and more DIALOGUE. 

`A flying foot caught the mug Grignr had taken hold of, sending its blood red contents sloshing over a flickering crescent; leashing tongues of bright orange flame to the foot trodden floor.`

`“Remove yourself Sirrah, the wench belongs to me;” Blabbered a drunken soldier, too far consumed by the influences of his virile brew to take note of the xsuperior size of his adversary.`

Apparently semicolons are "in" just now… 

Before we go any further, let me introduce you to a word you may not have run into before: [cresset](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/cresset), “A metal cup, suspended from a pole and filled with burning pitch etc; once used as portable illumination.” It's a real word! Isn't that cool? And would totally make sense for that to cause a sort of… fire spill if knocked on the floor. 

Misspell it as 'crescent' and introduce it by having wine thrown on it, and everyone will think you're talking nonsense. 

  * "flying foot": This isn't THAT close to where 'a foot of steel' was being used as the object of a verb, there isn't enough parallel structure for this to be genuinely confusing, I'm just being deliberately difficult is all. 
  * "the mug Grignr had taken hold of": In this context, that's the mug everyone would assume you're talking about. 
  * "blood red": Is the wine really blood red? That seems a little unusual. I could maybe forgive it here, though, since it is going for vivid description and describing it as wine-red would be silly. We note, however, the careful specification of varieties of red. Not crimson, though. 
  * "sloshing": Reasonable for wine to do, but not quite what you want if you want it to knock over the lamp. Say something about the cup. 
  * "leashing": Another weird use of 'leash'. Possibly could be standing in for 'unleashed'? But that'd be strange here, too. 
  * "tongues of bright orange flame": There's nothing wrong with this exactly, but it doesn't feel like language that belongs in this scene? I don't know, that's really subjective. 
  * "foot trodden floor": … 
    * … 
    * … 
    * He's probably trying to express worn out. Or dirty. 
  * “Remove yourself, sirrah!”: Language is kinda flowery. Recurring problem. I'm not sure it needs to be changed completely, the guy is pretty stuck up, but lose the 'sirrah'. 
  * Dialogue punctuation continues to be bad. 
  * "blabbered": Not necessarily wrong here, but I don't think it's the best word either… He's aggressive enough to be kicking mugs, yelled? Blurted? Sneered? Slurred? Hmm. 
  * Actually… Grignr has just grabbed the mug, from where it is on the table – or maybe the bench. All right, if it's on the bench, that's a reasonable kicking height. Okay, I retract the comment I was about to make about soldiers doing high-kicks. 
  * That aside, it is interesting that Grignr wasn't too focused on… whatever he was doing… to go for the booze, but he was too focused to notice a drunken soldier staggering up until actual contact was made. 
  * "virile brew": Um. Okay, I am fairly sure this is… unwisely extrapolating from 'potent wine', but that's not usually done, and wine isn't usually called a brew, so… I guess the soldier is high on fantasyland viagra? 
  * Enough about Grignr's size already! Although I guess it's reasonable to explain why it hasn't put off the attacker. 



Okay, how about **A sudden kick sent the mug flying, spilling red wine across the table and flaming pitch from an upset lamp across the floor.**  (I spent way too much time on that sentence (and I still don't like it).)  **The soldier who had delivered it was too drunk to aim properly or be cautious of who he aimed at. “Remove yourself! The wench belongs to me.”**

And the "action scene" continues… 

`Grignr lithly bounded from the startled female, his face lit up to an ashen red ferocity, and eyes locked in a searing feral blaze toward the swaying soldier.`

`“To hell with you, braggard!” Bellowed the angered Ecordian, as he hefted his finely honed broad sword.`

  * "lithely": In a noselike manner, then? 
  * "from": An accompanying 'away' isn't strictly necessary, but I'd include it anyway. 
  * "ashen red ferocity": …What. 
    * Also I am not sure what 'ashen red' is supposed to mean. When you describe someone's color as 'ashen', you usually mean there appears to be LESS blood near the surface, not more. 
    * Just say 'red with fury'. 'Red with ferocity' doesn't sound right, although I believe Grignr is ferocious as well as furious.
  * It doesn't really matter since the whole sentence is sort of a disaster, but it's not clear whether 'eyes' is supposed to be parallel with 'face', attached to 'his', or whether it's the subject of an independent clause describing the action of locking eyes. 
  * "braggard": The word is 'braggart', but that doesn't make a whole lot of sense here, either. 
  * "Ecordian”: … 
  * "finely honed broad sword": Broadsword is one word. I think we can stop piling adjectives on the poor thing. At least he didn't re-specify it was steel. 



To replace it: **Grignr sprang up, face red with fury, and drew his sword on the soldier. “To hell with you!”**

`The staggering soldier clumsily reached towards the pommel of his dangling sword, but before his hands ever touched the oaken hilt a silvered flash was slicing the heavy air. The thews of the savages lashing right arm bulged from the glistening bronzed hide as his blade bit deeply into the soldiers neck, loping off the confused head of his senseless tormentor.`

  * "pommel": Possibly a thesaurus word for 'hilt', possibly he come up with it some other way, but it is not a synonym for 'hilt'. In weapons, it is specifically a rounded knob on the end of the handle. 
  * "dangling": Implies the sword isn't secured very well. Possibly intentional? 
  * "before his hands": Plural? 
  * I'm not an expert on swords, but describing the hilt as wood sounds weird to me.  
  * "silvered flash": 'Silver flash' would be all right, and emphasize how shiny his sword is. 'SilverED flash' is a flash that was made silver, perhaps by being plated with silver. No. 
  * "thews of the savages lashing right arm bulged from the glistening bronzed hide": 
    * Again too much arm description! 
    * "lashing": Doesn't make much sense here. 
    * "glistening": No. 
    * Saying the thews are bulging from the hide could imply they're bursting through; at the very least it sounds unpleasant to me.
  * "deeply into the soldiers neck": If the head's getting cut off, it's through the neck, not into. 
  * "tormentor": Kinda strong, considering all the guy did was knock over his drink and make one assertion about his hookup. 



**Before the soldier could find the coordination to draw his own weapon, Grignr moved, decapitating the man in a single stroke.**

One thing that rewrite did lose is the 'startled', which could suggest the woman is just there like 'WTF, one minute I'm banging a hot barbarian and the next he's stolen my drink and a fight to the death has broken out'.

* * *

To recap: Grignr was making out and/or having sex with a stranger in a filthy tavern when a drunk soldier kicked over his drink and tried to cut in. Grignr promptly beheaded him, because of course he did.  

`With a nauseating thud the severed oval toppled to the floor, as the segregated torso of Grignr's bovine antagonist swayed, then collapsed in a pool of swirled crimson.`

`In the confusion the soldier's fellows confronted Grignr with unsheathed cutlasses, directed toward the latters scowling make-up.`

  * "nauseating thud": I think if anyone in this story were nauseated by the sound of falling body parts they'd have… I don't know, fled the story. 
  * "severed oval": I think last time we had ovals show up they were presumably eyes… Using it for a head is even worse.  

  * "segregated torso": … 
    * I'm… not sure how he could have arrived at this turn of phrase. I guess you can't really call the torso severed… 
    * ACTUALLY, I'm pretty sure this isn't what was intended, but you COULD read this as suggesting Grignr also got rid of the guy's limbs, and the torso is falling over all by its lonesome. 
  * "bovine antagonist": 
    * I don't know if you want to call him bovine, Grignr, he sneaked up on you and kicked your wine out of your hand without you noticing. 
    * 'Antagonist' isn't wrong, but 'adversary' or 'opponent' would be better. 
  * "swirled crimson": 
    * This suggests the pool of blood is being moved in a spiraling pattern/looks like it has been moved in a spiraling pattern. While this is not impossible, it seems unlikely. 
    * CRIMSON! 
  * "In the confusion": Suggests everyone else in the tavern HAS been a bit taken aback by flying wine, fire on the floor, sudden death, etc.  

  * "cutlasses ": Cutlass, like scimitar, is a specific kind of sword – also it is almost always used to talk about swords carried by sailors. Probably shouldn't use it here. 
  * "directed toward the latters scowling make-up": 
    * Not sure whether directed is a thesaurus mistake. It seems like something the author could have come up with independently? At any rate 'pointed' or 'aimed' would be better. 
    * Obviously 'latters' is missing an apostrophe to make it possessive, but I haven't been pointing out every case of that. 
    * The use of 'latter' for Grignr here is technically correct, but sounds a bit technical for an action scene when 'his' would work fine. 
    * I… guess make-up is just supposed to mean face? I'm not sure pointing all your swords at his face is a very good approach, but it's better than holding his eyeshadow hostage… 



Replace with: **Head, then body, fell to the floor. Grignr turned away, but was confronted by more soldiers, their swords raised.**

`“The slut should have picked his quarry more carefully!” Roared the victor in a mocking baritone growl, as he wiped his dripping blade on the prostrate form, and returned it to its scabbard.`

  * This is the first but will not be the last time “slut” is used as a general-purpose insult – always towards men, too. I'm not sure what the author THOUGHT the word meant… 
  * Wow, Grignr really knows how to deescalate a situation. /sarcasm 
  * And he's mocking people again. Although those words aren't… exactly mocking? Hmm. 
  * Is it possible to roar a growl? I'm not sure. I'm thinking maybe, but it would be really hard on your throat. ~~So Grignr might want to avoid it as it might negatively impact his apparent singing career.~~
  * "prostrate form" is technically correct but I don't know why you wouldn't say "body". 
  * …Wiping your sword on a body on the floor would be a bit awkward, wouldn't it? You'd have to bend or kneel, which doesn't seem like a good idea when there are angry people pointing swords at you… but then Grignr's clearly not very worried about that, since he just puts the sword away. 



To replace it, how about **“Scum should have picked his quarry better,” Grignr sneered. He wiped his sword on the body and returned it to its scabbard.**

No really that's a terrible idea, as will become obvious very quickly. 

`“The fool should have shown more prudence, however you shall rue your actions while rotting in the pits."Stated one of the sprawled soldier's comrades.`

  * Tagged badly, but otherwise not terrible? 
  * Except for how no one is pointing out that while the soldier didn't pick a good target for a fight to the death, he wasn't acting like he was looking for a fight to the death. 



Maybe **“He could have made wiser choices,” the leader conceded. “But you can consider yours while rotting in the pits!”**

`Grignr's hand began to remove his blade from its leather housing, but retarded the motion in face of the blades waving before his face.`

  * See, I said you shouldn't have put the sword away. 
  * I think this entire line is technically correct, just really… stiltedly phrased. 
  * Note they're still all pointing their swords at his  _face_  for some reason. 



Maybe **Grignr reevaluated the situation and made to redraw his sword, but the soldiers were quick to react.**

`"Dismiss your hand from the hilt, barbarbian, or you shall find a foot of steel sheathed in your gizzard.”`

  * Humans don't have actual gizzards – it's most commonly used to mean stomach or throat. Neither of which is located behind the face. 
  * Once again the 'foot of steel' expression leaves me asking if they mean the weapon is a foot long or they're only planning to use a foot of it… Still, that IS the sort of thing characters in this sort of setting would say. 



How about **“Let go of the sword, or take a foot of steel in the gut.”**

* * *

Again, to recap: The drunk soldier Grignr just beheaded turned out to have buddies who, shockingly, objected. Despite them already having their weapons out, Grignr put his away, and then couldn't draw it again because… they already had their weapons out. The hell, Grignr. 

`Grignr weighed his position observing his plight, where-upon he took the soldier's advice as the only logical choice. To attempt to hack his way from his present predicament could only warrant certain death. He was of no mind to bring upon his own demise if an alternate path presented itself. The will to necessitate his life forced him to yield to the superior force in hopes of a moment of carlessness later upon the part of his captors in which he could effect a more plausible means of escape.`

  * The opening is redundant – he's not doing anything “observing his plight” that he isn't doing weighing his position. …Except possibly dissociating, but I don't think that was intended. 
  * That was an order, not advice. 
  * I don't think Grignr and logic have more than a passing acquaintance. 
  * 'Warrant' usually means 'justify' more than 'lead to'. This might not be a mistake, though, since possibly Grignr/the story believes that taking on that many guys DOES make you deserve death. 'Certain' doesn't fit with that reading, though. 
  * It wouldn't hurt to explain why he thinks this. We can deduce it – he's outnumbered, his sword is sheathed and theirs aren't – but what's the deciding factor for him? 
  * Should be bring about, not bring upon. 
  * This is a LOT of words to say he doesn't have a death wish. 
  * “Will to necessitate his life”: …
    * This technically means “the will to make his life necessary”. 
    * I'm not sure how the author came up with this. 
    * Maybe it started out without the 'will', like saying 'the need to survive' or something, and then after he'd switched in necessitate via thesaurus he forgot what was going on and added the will? 
    * Was necessitate supposed to come later? I wouldn't recommend using it under most circumstances, but there are places elsewhere in the paragraph where it would at least make sense…
  * I think the chances of a moment of carlessness are very good! But I said I was going to take it easy on outright spelling errors. 
  * Feasible, not plausible – the problem is that fighting them off is likely impossible, not unbelievable. 
  * However, “effect” is being used correctly in that sentence! Well done. 



Maybe **Grignr considered his position, and concluded fighting would lead only to his death. Better to cooperate and wait for a moment of advantage later.**

`“You may steady your arms, I will go without a struggle.”`

`“Your decision is a wise one, yet perhaps you would have been better off had you forced death,” the soldier's mouth wrinkled to a sadistic grin ofknowing mirth as he prodded his prisoner on with his sword point.`

  * Grignr's response is a little more formal than we'd expect from him, but it's okay. On to the soldier: 
  * If he would have been better off with the other decision then it wasn't a very wise one now was it. 
  * It's not at all clear that they bothered to disarm him or do anything other than wave swords at him, which is nearly as stupid as Grignr putting his sword away earlier. 
  * If I recall correctly there are a lot of sadistic smiles in this story. 
  * Okay, so the soldier is suggesting Grignr would be better off fighting and getting killed than going to the pits or wherever alive. He already said he was going to send Grignr there, so it isn't a 'surprise! guess where you're going'. Is it a 'you're from out of town, you don't know what you're getting into'? Does he think Grignr knows about the pits and is risking it anyway? 
  * The reason I am asking all this is it makes a big difference in how I would rewrite the damn sentence.



Maybe **“Good choice.” The soldier waited until Grignr was disarmed and surrounded before smirking and continuing, “Unless you know what we do with prisoners here.”** He didn't pause like that in the original but he really should have. Right! Tell the barbarian who just killed a guy in one strike that he SHOULDN'T surrender without killing more of you! Honestly.

* * *

Chapter 2 is not done, but I'm going to break here anyway.

* * *

Crimson count: 2 (+1)  
Scarlet count: 1 (+0)  
Orb count: 1 (+0, though we did see some 'ovals')  
Life fluid count: 1 (+0)  
Thesaurus mistake estimate: 18 (+4) (that's a very rough estimate -- there are some mistakes a thesaurus might have been involved in but which couldn't be fully explained by that, and some places where the thesaurus words weren't necessary but also weren't wrong)  



	4. "Chapter 2": The throne room scene

To recap: Grignr decided to surrender in way too many words, and the soldier implied he might have been better off dead. Hopefully he did this after disarming him, but who knows. 

`After an indiscriminate period of marching through slinking alleyways and dim moonlighted streets the procession confronted a massive seraglio. The palace area was surrounded by an iron grating, with a lush garden upon all sides.`

  * Not sure what "indiscriminate" is supposed to convey here… It means random or haphazard, but that doesn't make much sense. Maybe he was trying for indeterminate? Although you might think the mighty barbarian would have a better time sense than that… 
  * "Slinking alleyways" is a surprisingly effective description considering that it doesn't make any sense. 
  * Moonlit, not moonlighted. Moonlighted is a word, but it's for the OTHER meaning of moonlight. 
  * Procession may be overstating it? 
  * I'm not sure "confronted" is wrong, but "was confronted by" is the usual usage. 
  * "Seraglio": Mmmkay, put down the thesaurus. 
    * Seraglio CAN mean a 'Turkish or Ottoman palace, especially the government offices in Constantinople'. However, the PRIMARY meaning is 'women's quarters/harem'.  
    * You could take it as an attempt to identify the palace's aesthetic. However, some later word choices cast doubt on this. 
    * Just say palace. Palace complex. 
    * As indeed it says in the next sentence.
  * "grating": …Fence? You'd have a grating over a hole in the wall, the entire wall can't be a grating. I'm not sure whether this is supposed to be an iron fence or some other kind of wall with a grating over an opening. 
  * This isn't really important but it's unclear whether the garden is inside or outside the fence-wall-grate-thing. Next paragraph makes it clear they're inside. 



Maybe **The march took them from filthy alleyways to moonlit streets and finally to the gates of a massive walled complex. The palace within was surrounded by lush gardens.**

`The group was admitted through the gilded gateway and Grignr was ledalong a stone pathway bordered by plush vegitation lustfully enhanced by the moon's shimmering rays. Upon reaching the palace the group was granted entrance, and after several minutes of explanation, led through several winding corridors to a richly draped chamber.`

  * There may be something wrong with your palace planning if prisoners from barfights are coming in gilded gateways and trooping through the fancy gardens. No back entrance for unsightly errands? No soldiers' entrance to reduce the chance of troops trampling the flowers? 
  * Lush vegetation, fine. Plush vegetation, unlikely. This might be a thesaurus mistake, or he may just have scrambled the words because they sound similar. 
  * "lustfully enhanced": I… don't know what he thought lustfully meant. Was he aiming for lush again? 
  * I'd ask how long it takes to explain 'he killed a soldier', but considering how ridiculous the whole situation was I can see how it'd get stretched out if whoever they were talking to asked questions.
    * “Who goes– Ffrdan, what are you doing here, isn't it your night off?” 
    * “Yeah, but–” 
    * “It better be, you stink like a winery.” 
    * “It _was_ our night off but this asshole killed Ergnd.” 
    * “What? What happened?” 
    * “Well, we were drinking at the instant hookup tavern–” 
    * “Ugh, that place is a pit.” 
    * “And Ergnd saw this guy with a really hot purple-haired chick, so he charged over–” 
    * “This guy's like nine feet tall, Ffrdan.” 
    * “Ergnd was REALLY drunk. Anyway he tried to kick the guy, and the bastard just got up and cut his head off!” 
    * “What, just like that?” 
    * “Right there in the tavern! Blood everywhere!” 
    * “They're going to have a hell of a time getting that out of the dirt floors. Come to think of it maybe that's why the place stinks so bad already…” 
    * “So we brought him here to face the prince's judgment.” 
    * “As per standard procedure when there's a tavern brawl fatality in this fairly large city. Okay, head on in, don't think he's in the middle of anything important, just chilling in the audience chamber.”
  * That aside. 
  * Not sure how I'd rewrite this… it's an important worldbuilding detail if the palace DOESN'T have any back entrances.  
  * Possibly this incident is being elevated to the ruler's attention immediately because his grip on the city is tight enough that attacking a soldier is absolutely unheard-of. If so, that needed to be brought up earlier. –I'm also not sure how plausible it is, considering that it sounds like a fairly large city with significant traffic in and out, and that the ruler rules the city specifically. 



* * *

Warning: coming up we have some fairly dramatic fatphobia. 

`Confronting the group was a short stocky man seated upona golden throne. Tapestries of richly draped regal blue silk covered all walls of the chamber, while the steps leading to the throne were plated with sparkling white ivory. The man upon the throne had a naked wench seated at each of his arms, and a trusted advisor seated in back of him. At each cornwr of the chamber a guard stood at attention, with upraised pikes supported in their hands, golden chainmail adorning their torso's and barred helmets emitting scarlet plumes enshrouding their heads. The man rose from his throne to the dias surrounding it. His plush turquois robe dangled loosely from his chunky frame. `

  * It would sound fine to say the group 'was confronted by' the scene, but saying he was confronting them makes it sound like he's being a lot more active than just sitting there. 
  * I think he's using 'tapestry' to mean 'wall hanging'. Technically it isn't a tapestry unless it has pictures or designs. It's not impossible to make a tapestry with silk thread? But I think this is just supposed to be silk curtains. 
  * 'Royal blue' is a thing. I don't think 'regal blue' is. 
  * How do you drape something richly? 
  * I don't think ivory is known for sparkling. More importantly, I don't think it's very good material for steps. Also, when you say thing A is plated with substance B, you usually mean B was applied in a thin coating, and usually A is made of metal, so even if the steps are covered in ivory they're tiled, not plated. 
  * Behind, not 'in back of'. 
  * Just say they're holding upraised pikes. Readers will deduce that their hands were involved. 
  * Presumably this is gold-colored chainmail rather than made-of-gold chainmail? 
  * Not sure what a 'barred helmet' is. Bars across the face area? I mean it doesn't sound implausible… 
  * "Emitting scarlet plumes" almost certainly means they have feathers sticking out, not that the helmets are emitting scarlet plumes of some unknown gas. Oh, and scarlet! 
  * Not sure whether the helmets or the plumes are supposed to be enshrouding their heads. The verb works better with plumes, I think, but the helmet feathers should not be completely obscuring their heads, so who knows. 
  * Okay, let's consider the setup here: Throne on a dais, with the noble, advisor, and… call them courtesans. Only other people in the room already are the four guards. If he's holding court, it's a really quiet day. If he's fooling around with the courtesans, doesn't seem like an ideal setting and why is the advisor there. Seems like an odd setup for conferring with the advisor. So he's just… waiting in the throne room, with his advisor, possibly screwing around with courtesans while he just… waits for something to happen? 
  * He does seem to be bored, since he got up immediately… 
  * Later descriptions make it pretty clear author is trying to describe the noble as fat. He… isn't always doing that. 



Apparently my first pass through I didn't make any attempt to fix that paragraph. I suppose I should try something. **The audience chamber was draped richly in blue silk, and the soldiers guarding it were adorned in gold-washed mail and plumed helmets. On the dais was a golden throne and on the throne a unimpressive man in a turquoise robe. He seemed to have been speaking with an advisor sitting behind him, but his attention immediately snapped to the newcomers.** I removed the naked scenery. I don't think it was contributing anything. 

`The soldiers surrounding Grignr fell to their knees with heads bowed to the stone masonry of the floor in fearful dignity to their sovereign, leige.`

  * I still don't know if they tied him up or anything. 
  * Even if they did, having the prisoner escort bow and scrape is an obviously terrible idea. 
  * Masonry is stonework, so they are bowing to the stone stonework. 
  * I feel like 'dignity' is supposed to be something like 'obeisance', but the two aren't even remotely synonyms. 
  * The sovereign is named Leige? (No. The sovereign is named something much less pronounceable.) 
  * 'Sovereign liege' IS a term you will sometimes run into, but it doesn't really fit here -- 'liege' may apply when you're talking about a king and lords, or a king and knights. It implies loyalty and feudal obligations on both sides that you just don't get with random tyrant and his disposable guards. 



I'm not going to rewrite that line because it's just such a stupid thing to do. 

`“Explain the purpose of this intrusion upon my chateau!”`

  * "chateau": This is what made me think 'seraglio' is probably just from the thesaurus, not for the aesthetic. 
  * Also, duh, they brought in a prisoner. They didn't seem to think there was anything really unusual about it, I'm not sure why he's surprised… 
  * Maybe he's just grandstanding? Yeah, that's plausible. 



`“Your sirenity, resplendent in noble grandeur, we have brought this yokel before you (the soldier gestured toward Grignr) for the redress or your all knowing wisdom in judgement regarding his fate.”`

  * I'm not sure where to start with this form of address… 
  * The soldier doesn't need to gesture at Grignr, and if you need to point out he did so, don't do it in the middle of a quote. 
  * This looks like it should be 'redress OF your all knowing wisdom' but that still doesn't make sense. 
  * Probably don't say redress without specifying what needs to be redressed – namely the soldier's death. 
  * …I don't think the writer got 'redress' out of a thesaurus, I think he read it in a book and is reusing it with an incorrect understanding of what it means. I have done that myself. It happens sometimes. 
  * Seems to be trying to say… the application of his all-knowing wisdom? That doesn't work very well either… 



**“Your splendor, we have brought this barbarian before you to implore you apply your wisdom to judge his rightful fate.”** No, that's still terrible. 

`“Down on your knees, lout, and pay proper homage to your sovereign!” commanded the pudgy noble of Grignr.`

  * It's probably pretty obvious Grignr isn't a local and therefore this guy isn't really his sovereign… that may be deliberate on the part of the narrative, though. 
  * Not sure "homage" is appropriate here… I'm also not sure it isn't. 
  * Really awkward dialogue tag. 
  * Just say “blah blah,” the noble commanded Grignr. 



Honestly **"On your knees, lout!" commanded the noble** covers it pretty well.

* * *

`“By the surly beard of Mrifk, Grignr kneels to no man!” scowled the massive barbarian.`

  * It's actually not… entirely implausible that a deity's beard would be customarily referred to as 'surly'? Religion is weird. Alternatively it could be a typo for curly, which is reasonable for a beard. 
  * The oath sounds funny regardless, but I think that's because at this point I'm primed to find all this ridiculous. In another work it could be an innocuous worldbuilding detail. 
  * There's no good reason to have him using third person here, but I think it is in compliance with subgenre conventions. 
  * STRICTLY speaking you could say that's an unusually articulate scowl, but practically I've seen 'scowled' used for dialogue elsewhere.  
  * So, my only real issue with this sentence is yet another unnecessary mention of Grignr's size. 



`“You dare to deal this blasphemous act to me! You are indeed brave stranger, yet your valor smacks of foolishness.”`

  * This could maybe be construed as blasphemous if Gorzam has deified rulers, but there's been nothing to indicate that so far and I don't think there is in the future, either. 
  * Points for at least not calling it treasonous, which it also isn't, since Grignr is a foreigner. 
  * I don't actually have a really good alternative to those… It could be described as an outrage, but outrageous has different connotations… Disrespect is too tame… Defiance isn't clearly an offense… hmm. 
  * Also calling refusal to kneel an act is a bit strong… it's more of a statement at this point. 
  * I think 'smacks of' in the 'suggests' sense is one of those things that is just fine when it works but when it doesn't work, it really doesn't work. At this point we are, as I said, primed to find everything ridiculous, so.



So, **“You dare… Brave, indeed, stranger – but foolish.”**

`“I find you to be the only fool, sitting upon your pompous throne, enhancing the rolling flabs of your belly in the midst of your elaborate luxuryand …” The soldier standing at Grignr's side smote him heavily in the face with the flat of his sword, cutting short the harsh words and knocking his battered helmet to the masonry with an echo-ing clang.`

  * You know Grignr it's not at all clear how that makes him a  _fool_  as such. 
  * Pompous isn't unreasonable but it sounds funny here. 
  * Probably want 'expanding' not 'enhancing'. Might be a thesaurus word, but not necessarily. 
  * Flab doesn't come in discrete units – you don't pluralize it. 
  * 'Elaborate' isn't wrong but I don't think it adds anything. 
  * 'Smote' isn't wrong but 'struck' would be better. 
  * I'd question how much damage even the flat of the sword would do, applied 'heavily' directly to the face, but Grignr has that bronzed hide, after all – he'll be fine.
  * This is the second time the floor has been referred to as "masonry". I am starting to wonder whether the author realizes "masonry" could equally well describe a wall or ceiling, and would not describe a wooden floor. It won't come up, though. 



So maybe **“And it takes such a wise man to sit on a throne stuffing your face–” The harsh words were cut short when one of Grignr's escorts struck him in the face with the flat of his sword. The barbarian's helmet fell noisily to the floor.**

So did the soldier do that from his kneeling, head-to-the-floor position? Because that'd be pretty impressive, and I don't think their getting up was mentioned…

* * *

Now, the noble… reacts. 

`The paunchy noble's sagging round face flushed suddenly pale, then pastily lit up to a lustrous cherry red radiance. His lips trembled with malicious rage, while emitting a muffled sibilant gibberish. His sagging flabs rolled like a tub of upset jelly, then compressed as he sucked in his gut in an attempt to conceal his softness.`

  * The legendary flushed pale/pasty red combo! 
  * Or more precisely the flushed pale/pasty lustrous cherry red combo. 
  * You don't flush pale. Flush -> more blood near the surface. Skin goes redder or darker. 
  * 'Blanched' works, but then you don't need the 'pale'. Or you could say 'went pale'. 
  * I'm not sure what 'pastily lit up' was supposed to indicate. 
  * 'Lustrous cherry red radiance' is severely over-described. 'Flushed darkly' or 'flushed dark red' is plenty. Unless his face does literally look cherry-colored, but that seems unlikely. 
  * I'm not sure what I don't like about 'malicious rage'… Am I doubting the rage is itself malicious rather than just happening at the same time? 
  * 'Emitting' gives the impression his lips are either acting on their own or that there's no acting anywhere, his lips just do that. 
  * 'Muffled sibilant gibberish': … 
  * He's incoherent with rage. Not as vivid as 'muffled sibilant gibberish', but… If the sibilant part is important, he's hissing, incoherent with rage. 
  * 'Flab' still does not occur in discrete units.
  * 'Sagging' gets used twice in rapid succession, which you probably want to avoid. 
  * So was the jelly upset before it went in the tub, or did someone upset the jelly without upsetting the tub, or…? 
  * The word you want here is 'jiggling'. 
  * …You know, considering that his clothing was specifically described as loose-fitting, it's highly unlikely you can see the noble's belly at all.



Honestly that could have been broken down into even finer bits, but whatever. **The noble paled, then went dark red with fury. He hissed and sputtered, incoherent in his rage, and drew himself up as if to try to look more impressive.**

* * *

`The prince regained his statue, then spoke to the soldiers surrounding Grignr, his face conforming to an ugly expression of sadistic humor.`

  * "regained his statue": The prince is pretty obviously regaining his composure, which has… very little to do with statues. 
    * I think it's probably a typo for 'stature', being used in the sense of 'importance or position', but… that doesn't really work here, either. 
    * Composure is the word you want.
  * I will note again that it still hasn't said anything about the soldiers getting up from their extremely-inadvisable-while-on-prisoner-escort forehead-to-the-ground obeisance. 
  * "conforming": Strange here – it may be supposed to be 'contort'? 'Contort' works fine but I happen to know it's going to be used again (for a very similar reason) half a page later, so maybe try a different construction. 
  * "sadistic": Not out of place here, considering the character involved, but I do think it's being overused. 
  * "humor": This could work, but I think 'glee' might be better. Or 'satisfaction'? 
  * That's a lot of corrections for one lousy sentence. 



**The prince took a moment to regain his composure, then smirked cruelly and spoke to the soldiers.**

`“Take this uncouth heathen to the vault of misery, and be sure that his agonies are long and drawn out before death can release him.”`

  * This is over the top, but, whatever. It fits the character. 
  * "Heathen", though – that raises questions about the religious dynamics going on here! Combined with the earlier weird use of 'sacrilegious', you could take it to mean there's ruler deification going on. I don't think it's meant to. For that matter I'm not sure if it's SUPPOSED to be in a strict, religious sense of heathen at all – maybe it's just a thesaurus word from barbarian.



`“As you wish sire, your command shall be heeded immediately,” answered the soldier on the right of Grignr as he stared into the barbarians seemingly unaffected face.`

  * Okay, more time doing things immediately, less time saying you're doing them immediately. 
  * We don't care where the soldier is standing. 
  * Also, I'm not sure the soldier should be staring at Grignr's face? Seems like he should either be looking at the prince – or the prince's feet, if we're being obsequious – or else maintaining… idk, sensible general awareness. Maybe make it a glance. 
  * Instead of 'seemingly unaffected face', go for 'stony expression'.



So, **“As you wish, sire,” the lead soldier said, glancing at the barbarian's stony expression.**

* * *

Huh, my first pass through I didn't do much with these next paragraphs besides wonder how realistic it was for the prince to be so over-the-top shocked at Grignr refusing to kneel and talking back. Like, he's a barbarian brought in for drunk-and-disorderly, why would you expect anything else? But on reflection, there are some people who are just… like that. 

`The advisor seated in the back of the noble slowly rose and advanced to the side of his master, motioning the wenches seated at his sides to remove themselves. He lowered his head and whispered to the noble.`

  * BEHIND. 
  * Now I'm picturing everyone waiting as the advisor gets up and comes over in the most leisurely way possible. 
  * Why wave BOTH courtesans out of the way? He's only on one side. 
  * The main problem with this paragraph is that it describes too many fine details of the action that we just don't care about. He came forward and offered advice, that's all.



`“Eminence, the punishment you have decreed will cause much misery to this scum, yet it will last only a short time, then release him to a land beyond the sufferings of the human body. Why not mellow him in one of the subterranean vaults for a few days, then send him to life labor in one of your buried mines. To one such as he, a life spent in the confinement of the stygian pits will be an infinitely more appropiate and lasting torture.”`

  * This sentence is just really wordy and pretentious and not uncalled-for if you WANT the advisor to be really wordy and pretentious. 
  * But don't worry: soon we will be equally pretentious and wordy in narration and I'll have plenty to say about that!



* * *

`The noble cupped his drooping double chin in the folds of his briming palm, meditating for a moment upon the rationality of the councilor's word's, then raised his shaggy brown eyebrows and turned toward the advisor, eyes aglow.`

  * Unlike his abdomen, his chin at least hasn't been described as obscured by clothing… 
  * I don't know what 'briming' is supposed to be. 
  * Also I don't think people generally set their chins down on their palms. It's an awkward position. Cupped it in his HAND. 
  * 'Meditating upon the rationality' is… it isn't wrong? I think he'd be better off just 'considering', but that's mostly due to context and preestablished feelings on the story. 
  * This is a fun situation where either  _councilor_  or  _counselor_  could theoretically be correct! But I'm guessing it should be 'counselor' since I doubt this guy has an entire council to advise him. 
  * The councilor's word's… what? (Yes, I know it's botching a plural.) 
  * 'Shaggy brown eyebrows' – seems out of place. Am I subconsciously expecting a description of either hair or eyes before we get to the eyebrows?  



`“…As always Agafnd, you speak with great wisdom. Your words ring of great knowledge concerning the nature of one such as he ,” sayeth , the king. The noble turned toward the prisoner with a noticable shimmer reflecting in his frog-like eyes, and his lips contorting to a greasy grin. “I have decided to void my previous decree. The prisoner shall be removed to one of the palaces underground vaults. There he shall stay until I have decided that he has sufficiently simmered, whereupon he is to be allowed to spend the remainder of his days at labor in one of my mines.”`

  * Unlike Grignr, Agafnd would have adequate vowels if only he'd put them in the right place. 
  * 'Sayeth the king': No. 
  * Also will you pick a title and stick to it? 
  * I'm not sure it makes sense to say a shimmer reflects in someone's eyes. Eyes shimmer, fine, there's a shimmer in their eyes, fine… No, I don't like the 'reflect' version. 
  * Not sure what frog-like is supposed to indicate… 
  * Not sure if greasy is supposed to be literal… 
  * The last bit of dialogue isn't too bad, really.  



`Upon hearing this, Grignr realized that his fate would be far less merciful than death to one such as he, who is used to roaming the countryside at will. A life of confinement would be more than his body and mind could stand up to. This type of life would be immeasurably worse than death.`

  * This is just. The same thing. Over and over again. We get the idea already. 
  * 'One such as he' is okay in dialogue where someone is being all ~fancy~, but weird in narration. 
  * So when it says 'he realized his fate would be', is he realizing that his fate is to be thrown in a mine, which he already knows would be worse than death, or is he realizing that being thrown in a mine would be worse than death? Because if he didn't already think that, I'm not sure how the previous exchange would tell him that. Maybe he just never thought about it but it seems obvious now that he has? 
  * Also, I'm not sold on 'used to roaming the countryside at will' as a sufficient explanation for this. 
  * Look, an actual revision! **Grignr listened in dawning horror. The counselor understood him too well–he valued his freedom more highly than his life, and to him this would indeed be a fate worse than death.**



* * *

`“I shall never understand the ways if your twisted civilization. I simply defend my honor and am condemned to life confinement, by a pig who sits on his royal ass wooing whores, and knows nothing of the affairs of the land he imagines to rule!” Lectures Grignr ?`

  * This paragraph is a mess. 
  * There are a lot of things that potentially work if you are TRYING to characterize Grignr as a self-centered, self-righteous hypocrite. 
    * Grignr, you did not 'simply defend your honor'. Someone knocked over your drink and was rude and hostile, and you just straight-up immediately killed him. 
    * Also, this civilization has some obvious issues, but imposing consequences on a killer is actually not that unusual. 
    * Aiming for maximum cruelty is pretty twisted, but I'm not sure whether Grignr's objecting to that? 
    * Are you more upset because you're facing a consequence or because you're unimpressed with the person imposing it? 
    * I note you were a lot less judgmental about casual sexual behavior when you were the one doing it, Grignr. 
    * Since Grignr just got here I'm not sure HE knows anything about the affairs of the land, much less whether the noble knows anything about them. –Although I guess you could infer the guy is ignorant by how shocked he was to be insulted!
  * Of course, if you're not trying to characterize Grignr as a self-centered, self-righteous hypocrite, I'm not sure what he could say… Ask whether he's upset about the dead soldier or the insults? 
  * The content could easily be arranged into a lecture, but as it is, it isn't… obviously a lecture. Since it's not, and Grignr isn't really one of nature's lecturers, I'd avoid that word. 
  * …Going by the question mark, maybe the author wasn't sure about it, either. 



* * *

_(Previously on Eye of Argon, Grignr became distressed at the prospect of a labor sentence, and expressed his dissatisfaction with the local government/justice system.)_

`“Enough of this! Away with the slut before I loose my control!”`

`Seeing the peril of his position, Grignr searched for an opening. Crushing prudence to the sward, he plowed into the soldier at his left arm taking hold of his sword, and bounding to the dias supporting the prince before the startled guards could regain their composure. Agafnd leaped Grignr and his sire, but found a sword blade permeating the length of his ribs before he could loosed his weapon.`

  * Once again, 'slut' as an all-purpose insult. 
  * Okay, you may want to say something to justify Grignr trying to escape now. Wouldn't it be easier to get loose somewhere other than the middle of the chateau? 
    * One way that comes to mind is have the prince order him  _chained_  and taken away.
  * 'Cast aside prudence' – fine. 'Crush prudence to the sward' – I wouldn't recommend it even when you're in a setting which has a sward. Which we are not. 
  * Okay, I guess Grignr WAS disarmed! Good to know. 
  * …But not tied up. 
  * 'Plowed into': This doesn't sound very… idk, I'd go for 'slammed into'. 
  * The guards may have lost their composure, but the important thing is acting before they react. 
  * …Say 'the dais with the prince' or just 'the dais', since there's just the one. 
  * It's pretty impressive that the councilor/counselor is able to leap in while the guards are still reeling! Loyal, too.  
  * Although since he was already right there it might be better to say he leaped  _between_  them. If you're trying to say he leaped at them or on them, add the preposition – it's unclear. 
  * 'His liege', 'his lord', 'his prince' – any of those would work. 'Sire' would need to be set up more. 
  * What is 'the length of [someone's] ribs', anyway? 
    * I feel like LENGTH of ribs would most likely be measured along the ribs.  
    * And if it's 'permeating' the length of the ribs (which is not the right word to use anyway), it must be… all along the ribs. Parallel to them, probably. 
    * A sword parallel to the ribs wouldn't really be sticking into the body I don't think? 
    * I mean it certainly wouldn't be a GOOD thing to have happen to you. It just… there are a lot more efficient ways of inflicting damage. 
    * Soooo, probably it's supposed to be something like 'penetrating the ribcage', instead?
  * I don't think it mentioned Agafnd being armed? It wouldn't necessarily have to, the setting makes it reasonable, but it might be worth mentioning.



* * *

_(Previously on Eye of Argon, Grignr attacked the noble but the advisor jumped in the way. Now, the author decides to lean on the 'fat' thing **even more**._) 

`The councilor slumped to his knees as Grignr slid his crimsoned blade from Agfnd's rib cage. The fat prince stood undulating in insurmountable fear before the edge of the fiery maned comet, his flabs of jellied blubber pulsating to and fro in ripples of flowing terror.`

`“Where is your wisdom and power now, your magjesty?” Growled Grignr.`

  * … 
  * I'm not sure you should be slumping to your knees, technically – falling or dropping would be more usual. Slumping usually refers to something involving the upper half of the body. Still, at least it's obvious what it means. 
  * CRIMSON MENTION! 
  * Okay, definitely meant penetrating the ribcage. 
  * …Unless the prince has suddenly decided to practice his belly dancing moves, 'undulating' is not the word you want. 
  * 'Fiery maned comet' is… well, the upside is it's not about size again? Still I wouldn't use it. 
    * Also, there's even more room for confusion here because – I think – this is supposed to be calling Grignr a comet, and referring to his red hair. The trouble is 'fiery' is also an adjective that could be applied to an actual comet, and if you parse it that way – Grignr is a fiery comet – then where did the mane come from? 
    * A reader suggested that 'edge' may refer to Grignr's sword – it's been used for sword before – but obviously in this case the usage was confusing!
  * If your body fat responds to terror or indeed any emotion with independent movement, see a doctor or possibly an exorcist. 
  * It's probably supposed to indicate the prince is shaking so hard his fat is jiggling. That's not what it says. Also that's kinda tacky at best. Also he's  _wearing a loose robe_. 
  * Where, indeed. 



* * *

_(Previously on Eye of Argon, Grignr menaced the prince, who may have been belly-dancing, and Grignr and/or his sword was referred to in a figure of speech for which we have crowdsourced several possible interpretations. Now, we finish up Chapter 2.)_

`The prince went rigid as Grignr discerned him glazing over his shoulder. He swlived to note the cause of the noble's attention, raised his sword over hishead, and prepared to leash a vicious downward cleft, but fell short as the haft of a steel rimed pike clashed against his unguarded skull. Then blackness and solitude. Silence enshrouding and ever peaceful reind supreme.`

`“Before me, sirrah! Before me as always! Ha, Ha Ha, Haaaa…”, nobly cackled.`

  * I think we can take it as given that the prince is intended to be gazing, not glazing. As interesting as that would be. 
  * I am now going to nitpick the use of “as” even though it's the least of this paragraph's problems. 
    * The conjunction “as” can mean “because”, but doesn't always. So, technically, as long as the two events are happening simultaneously, it's correct. 
    * That said, if one of the events IS the cause of the other, I would put it second. 
    * What's more likely: the noble going rigid because Grignr's realized he's looking over Grignr's shoulder (which would require him noticing that Grignr noticed), or Grignr realizing the noble is staring over his shoulder because the guy suddenly stopped shaking? 
    * So, switch 'em around, or else make it 'and'.
  * Unless he's being subtler than anyone's achieved all story, it doesn't require much discernment. 
  * An actual edit: **The noble went rigid, and Grignr realized he was staring at something over his shoulder.**
  * Did “swivel” get mangled somewhere earlier, too? Yes, right, that time it was “swilveled”. Like Agafnd, it's bleeding vowels. 
  * Still not here to fix the fight scenes, but: 
    * Setting up a… massive overhand thing doesn't seem like the smartest way to respond to a threat possibly right behind you. 
    * Like, this is describing: Grignr pivots. 
    * He is now face-to-face with the guard about to whack him with a pike haft. 
    * Grignr raises his sword above his head. 
    * If there some reason he couldn't attack with it from its previous height? 
    * Also, if it WAS over his head, it wouldn't just halt completely when he got knocked out!
  * Once again I don't know what he's doing with “leash”. 
  * “Rimed” means covered in hoarfrost, so I'm pretty sure that's not the word you want. “Rimmed” doesn't make a lot of sense here either. Just say the haft of a pike. 
  * These last two sentences of the paragraph get kind of weird. They're particularly weird placed BEFORE the last thing he heard before blacking out. Just say his vision went black or something. 
  * The noble's line is… probably in response to Grignr's question? He's saying his wisdom and power are 'before him'? But it's not completely clear what that means. 
  * Also you probably want a noun in there. Is it supposed to be “the noble”? 



Aaaaaaaand that's chapter two. I really fell down on the job with edits towards the end there, didn't I…

* * *

Crimson count: 3 (+1)  
Scarlet count: 2 (+1)  
Orb count: 1 (+0)  
Life fluid count: 1 (+0)  
Thesaurus mistake estimate: 22 (+4) (that's a very rough estimate -- there are some mistakes a thesaurus might have been involved in but which couldn't be fully explained by that, and some places where the thesaurus words weren't necessary but also weren't wrong)


End file.
